# Overcoming Self-Doubt

Source: https://www.theminimalists.com/doubt/
Published: 2012-11-01
Updated: 2024-06-12
Author: Ryan Nicodemus

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There used to be this side of me that questioned every action I took, every word I spoke, every thought I had. I believed everything that occurred in—and around—my life was because of my actions, especially when it came to how other people felt about me. I thought I was in total control of other people’s emotions—my words and actions determined if they were happy, sad, angry, or discontent. I eventually realized I was not in control of how others felt—not 100% in control, anyway.

But how could I tell the difference between when I did and I didn’t have control over how others felt toward me?

Let’s examine two extreme examples. Imagine I meet someone and give him a hug. This expression of kindness and love typically translates to just that: kindness and love. Now imagine I meet someone else and say, “Man, those skinny jeans make your butt look big.” I wouldn’t ever say that, but this action translates, without a doubt, into something completely different. Let’s assume in the latter example my intentions were somehow good: perhaps I was attempting, inarticulately, to tell the person those jeans were simply not flattering. Irrespective of my intentions with either action, each one will draw a different response.

The trouble I run into is when my actions are filled with good intentions, but the person interprets my actions in a different way. When this happens, I often sit and ask self-loathing, degrading questions—*What did I do wrong? How did they misunderstand me? Why am I such a moron?—and I blame myself for being misunderstood.*

Here’s where I really confuse myself: sometimes I lay in bed at night recounting my day, and I suddenly recognize I could have approached a situation differently. Other times, I lay in bed and realize I couldn’t have possibly been any clearer, kinder, or more considerate, which leads to even more negative self-talk: *People just don’t understand you. You’re weird and people don’t get you no matter how hard you try. If you acted differently, maybe that person would like you.*

We all care about how others view us—sometimes too much. It used to be one of the only things that mattered to me, but I have been able to break this habit. I have been able to feel confident no matter how people treat me. I have been able to stop giving a damn about what people who don’t like me think.

This is how I did it:

First, I had to recognize the language I use—the way I talk to myself—is crucial. When I experience negative emotions, it’s easy to beat the hell out of myself with my words and perpetuate negative thoughts. This never does any good: negative self-talk is demoralizing and destructive. So I found new questions to ask myself—I found new ways to talk to myself.

I came up with different questions. Instead of disempowering questions, I now ask myself five clarifying questions:

*Did I have good intentions?\
 Did I do my best to communicate the message?\
 Was I as genuine as possible?\
 Was I honest in the message I was communicating?\
 Did I consider the other person’s feelings before I spoke?*

These questions help me determine, in a non-destructive way, if I need to rethink my approach. If I can answer *yes* to those five questions, then I needn’t feel remorse or confusion about why the other person did not understand my intentions. If I cannot answer *yes*, I explore new ways to communicate my message differently.

Second, I had to tame my cynical side. Instead of destructive language, I now say things like, *Ryan, not everyone is judging you. Sometimes people have a hard time accepting the truth, good or bad. Their misunderstandings do not make them or me wrong or bad—it was just a misunderstanding. Maybe the next time you see that person they will be in a different mood and see things in a new light. You can’t make everyone see your point of view or where you’re coming from.*

When I don’t agree with someone or when someone doesn’t agree with me, it doesn’t make them wrong or bad: it makes them who they are. It doesn’t make me crazy or a moron: it makes me who I am. As much as I’d like to find a connection with everyone, it isn’t realistic. Ultimately, the only person’s expectations I must meet are mine.

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